Tale of the tape: #1 vs #2 version

For those of you who have not heard, Tomorrow is a pretty big day in the Big 10 and in college football. This is probably the biggest regular season game since 1993's Notre Dame/FSU clash. Actually, this is probably bigger than that matchup as well since it guarantees the winner a spot in the title game and because it features two heated rivals. Personally, I think it is sad that the loser is forced to go to the Rose Bowl. This is why we need to shelve the BCS.

Anyways, as a Badger fans who hates OSU and Big Blue I really have no idea who to root for. But you can't go into a game of this magnitude without picking a side, so with that in mind I had to seek out an old friend. On my other blog when faced with a difficult choice I always seek out my old friend, ESPN contributor, and the former voice of Salem the cat from Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Mr. Nick Bakay. Nick always helps me see the full side of the decision by helping me break things down scientifically.

Finding Nick wasn't easy. He has changed phone numbers on me and has blocked me from his e-mail account. To track him down I hit a Starbuck's in LA.

TR (approaching counter) Hello Nick

NB: (started, totally annoyed) Oh God no, not you again. What do you want?

TR: Grande Lowfat Peppermint mocha, no whip

NB: No, I mean what do you want, why are you here??

TR: For the mocha

NB: (to the other barista) Grandel lowfar peppermint, hold the whip

TR: Thanks man

NB: What is it now?

TR: Nick, we have a big game tomorrow- Bukeyes/Wolverines, #1 vs #2 in the horseshoe

NB: I head, I'm taking the over

TR: yeah, well as a Badger fan who hates both teams I have no idea which squad to root for.

NB: Hmmm, that is a good one. Well you came to the right place

TR: You can help me?

NB: No, but we have good coffee. Just kidding, I am going on break soon, here is your drink- lets break this down scientifically, ok.

TR: You are the best, Nick



NB: Ok, so let's start with Stadium:

OSU: The Horseshoe, the best college stadium not located in Pasadena, Jesse Owens used to run track here, holds just over 90k

UM: The Big House. Smells like a porta potty- probably because it is a piece of crap. Most overrated stadium in college football. Do the fans even cheer there?

ADVANTAGE: OSU


Next, team colors:

OSU: Red and Silver

UM: Maize and Blue

ADVANTAGE: OSU, maize sounds like something I am going to have on Thursday, Plus, red trumps every other color- at least for Badger fans



Dubious Quotes:

OSU: Maurice Clarett: "Your money or your life"

UM: Gary Moeller: "Take me drunk boys, I'm home"

ADVANTAGE: UM


Bands:

OSU: Sucks, but calls themselves the Best Damn Band in the Land. Script Ohio is overrated.

UM: Used to be the best band in the nation. Now they probably can't compete with the LSU band

Advantage: OSU


Dead Coaches:

OSU: Woody Hayes, slugged a Clemson player

UM: Bo Schembechler, wanted a Michigan coach to coach a Michigan team- ended up winning the 1989 Final Four because of that move. I believe, over a certain Flying Illini team

TR: Don't remind me, I still have not gotten over that.

NB: Well then...

ADVANTAGE: Michigan


Best player

OSU: Ted Ginn

UM: Mario Manningham

ADVANTAGE: Push, both can take over the game and win it on one play


City Names:

OSU: Columbus, named after Christopher Columbus

UM: Ann Arbor, named after a whore

Advantage: OSU


Annoying fan chants:

OSU: O-H
-I-O

UM: Go Blue

Advantage: Push, I hate them both


Fight songs:

OSU: Across the Field

UM: Victors

Advantage: Both are annoying, both are overplayed, and neither is On Wisconsin
therefore, Push


Scandals:

OSU: Maurice Clarett

UM: Chris Webber

ADVANTAGE: UM, at least that was basketball


Badger History:

OSU: Wisconsin has won 3 in a row in Columbus

UM: Wisconsin finally beat them last year

ADVANTAGE: OSU (remember we are pro-Badger here)


Friend of the Badgers:

OSU: Beat Mich in 1998 to send Wisconsin to Rose Bowl. Beat Mich in 2004 to give the Badgers a shot at the Rose Bowl, but Wisconsin lost to those a-holes from Iowa

UM: Beat OSU and John Cooper in 1993 to send Wisconsin to Rose Bowl

ADVANTAGE: OSU, 2 beats 1


Schedule strength:

OSU: Chickened out, wouldnt play Wisconsin this year

UM: Killed ND, and was brave enough to play the Badgers

ADVANTAGE: Michigan


And Finally, fans get scared when:

OSU: They see Maurice Clarett buying a bottle of Grey Goose

UM: They realize that they forgot the brie for their tailgate

ADVANTAGE: OSU


So there you have it, TR, see how easy it is when you break things down Scientifically.
By a 7-4-3 margin the gang will all be there for the Buckeyes in Columbus tomorrow. Enjoy the game football fans, and until next time, the numbers never lie.

O-H...