Dear Jim, please help

My not so actual e-mail sent to Big 10 Comissioner Jim Delaney this morning:

To: jdelaney@bigten.org
From: TR

Jim:

First off, I wanted to wish you a happy new year and hope you had a Merry Christmas. Will you be spending your New Year's Day in Pasadena again? I hear they have good Armenian food there. Ever been able to try any? If so, what is it like? I imagine it can't be different from Greek food.

Anyways, I wanted to ask you a favor after last night's embarassment by the Gophers and the Boilers. In case you didn't watch, don't have the NFL network, or were asleep already like George W. when Saddam was executed, the Gophers blew a 31 pt 2nd half lead and lost to Texas Tech. Meanwhile, Purdue apparently gave all of the effort of Mike Tyson trying to obey the law. Not that the Boilers have never completely mailed in a bowl game before- oh wait, that's their annual Christmas tradition, like families going to midnight mass, or my aunt spiking the egg nog and then passing out by 4PM.

Anyways, Jim, to make a short note long, I need a favor and its a simple one.

Next December, sometime before the holidays, ask Joe Tiller and Glenn Mason to come over to your place for a "good luck drink" prior to their teams leaving for warmer weather and their annual Bowl beat down. But instead of drinking, invite them for a drive in your new Lexus you received from your wife during the December to Remember sale.
Drive them out west on 90, get off around Woodstock and go far north, towards the Wisconsin border. Then, when you are completely out in the middle of nowhere, ask them to get out of the car, mention something about it being a nice place to see the northern lights or some crap like that, and then when they get out, quick, speed away.

A few years ago my dad this with the family dog that kept pooping on the carpet in the living room and we never saw that perpetual pooper again. You see, Jim, every year Purdue and Minnesota win just enough games to embarass your/our conference in some 3rd rate garbage bowl game in late December. And every year you and I probably have to explain to people why the Big 10's bowl record is so dismal, and quite frankly Jim, I am tired of it. Just like our old dog, these two jokers poop all over the Big 10's bowl season and for one year, it needs to stop.

That being said, please also arrange for a search party to find them on January 2, so they'll be back in time for the regular season.

Thanks Jim.

As always,
TR